Chapter 20
Alex was moving chairs in the garage pulling them off the top shelf and Yaz was carrying them into the garden. She was excited to finally see all her siblings again. With the wedding on its way the gathering almost felt like a hen night.
"All done babe just the tables" Yaz said wiping her hands into her jeans "I'm gonna have to wipe them a bit they're dusty."
"I'll help you...let me just take this down" she reached for the table which was hanging folded on the wall.
"Wait...it's gonna drop on your head.”
"It's ok Yazee...it's not that heavy."
"Alex" she frowned when she saw a massive bruise on her upper arm as the sleeve of her t-shirt moved "OMG...what happened there" she moved the fabric and was absolutely horrified. Her skin was bruised and scratched to the point of bleeding.
"Nothing...it's fine."
"No, it's not...that wasn't there this morning.”
"I must have smacked myself" she said pulling the table off the wall and leaning it against the shelves.
"Alex"
"Mmmmm" she answered taking some cloth of the shelf.
"Did someone do this to you?"
"What...nooo" she glanced at her for a moment with a short smile and started wiping the table.
"Alex" she grabbed her arm and turned her around "I'm not an idiot...pleaseeee what the fuck...You were fine this morning...Who the fuck did this to you and when?"
"Pleaseeee Yaz it's fine...Don't worry about it it's gonna go away...I smacked myself this morning" she turned back to the table and continued cleaning it.
Yaz sighed deeply with a long pause before she spoke again "This isn't how things are gone go Alex...you can fucking forget it...I'm not having this shit...Look at me Alex."
Alex stopped and slowly turned around.
"You better open up your mouth Alex because I wasn't born yesterday...What the fuck happened? Who did this to you baby?"
"I did that...Alright!...Me..." she lifted her voice and walked off to the corner leaving Yaz utterly speechless
"Whaaa?" Yaz frowned confused and shook her head. There was a deathly silence between them. Alex stood in the corner wrapping her arms around herself looking aimlessly at the empty wall in front of her. She looked like some wounded animal petrified to turn around and Yaz's heart ripped into thousands of pieces.
She walked over to her slowly and laid her palm on her shoulder blade kissing her back. Alex’s eyes closed at the touch of her lips.
"Why did you do that to yourself baby?" she asked quietly and ran her hand gently down her back "Pleaseeee…tell me."
Alex's chin started to wobble, and tears ran down her face. She turned around in silence gazing at her helplessly.
"Oh baby" Yaz sighed, and Alex fell into her arms.
"Why am I so hated Yaz? Whyyy?" she cried out into the crook of her neck squeezing her tight
"I don't know" Yaz said as she really didn't know the answer to that question. "I will never know or understand baby...ever... I just know that I love you...and I love you with all my heart."
They were sitting on the floor against the garage wall. Alex rested her head on Yaz's shoulder sifting her fingers through hers and twirling her engagement ring around her finger.
"Why didn't you tell me anything at the time?"
"I didn't want to cause a circus...I knew you're gonna lose your shit if I did"
"I would've...But why keep it away from me all together baby? ...Please don't hide stuff like this from me in the future. You're not alone in this anymore."
"I'm always alone this Yazee...always was and always will be...No matter how much you love me. Everywhere I go I worry about what I'm wearing or how I'm presenting. I will always worry how I sound, how I look, am I too masculine, or how my voice sounds or how my body moves. I see it sometimes in people's eyes Yaz how they change towards me when they realize who I am. And yet I get up every morning and get dressed and live my truth...because this is who I am... And the fact that who I am is so insulting to someone is so hard...so hard Yaz..."
Yaz didn't know what to reply. In a way Alex was right. No matter how much she wanted to protect her and shield her from it, she wasn't able to.
She placed her palm on Alex's cheek and kissed her temple gently "Promise me something..." Yaz said quietly.
"Anything"
"Look at me baby"
"Mmmm?" Alex turned towards her
"I love you so fucking much" Yaz wrapped her fingers around her face “...and you're so fucking beautiful...Don't anyone ever convince you otherwise...Ever...no matter how evil and foul and disgusting their words or actions towards you are...Don't ever believe one word of that shit spilling out of them... Believe me baby...And please pleaseeee don't hurt yourself like this again...None of those fuckers are worth it"
"I promise I'll try" she said as tears rolled down her face "I'm ruining my makeup."
"I'll fix your make up...You're still beautiful absolutely beautiful baby."
Alex pressed her lips at hers with a whimper.
"Alex? Is everything alright?" Charlie walked inside shocked to see them on the floor and Alex in floods of tears. "Did you hurt yourself? Did that fall on you...OMG your arm”?
"I'm fine mum" Alex said as Charlie crouched down and looked at her arm.
"She's not..." Yaz said "It's not the table Charlie...I just saw it as well... Some fucking bitch said stuff to her today at the hairdressers and..." she locked her eyes with Charlie who knew straight away where the wound came from. Charlie rolled her eyes fuming and lifted Alex chin to meet her eyes "Who? Name Alex"
"Muuuum...noo"
"Alex baby...tell me...who said what?"
They looked at each other for a short moment and Alex said quietly "Molly Stone."
Charlie purist her lips "God this fucking town is like Silent Hill I swear...What did she say to you Alex?"
"It doesn't matter" she moved her head, but Charlie lifted her chin again.
"Alex what did she say baby?"
"That I'm making people uncomfortable going into women's toilets..." her chin wobbled as she was desperately trying to finish the sentence ".... cause everyone knows what I am" she said and crumbled again crying.
"Don't cry baby...Fucking bitch...if I open my mouth, she will wish she wasn't alive.”
"Don't mum" she clutched her mother's wrist "...I just wanna bee...that's all I want...just to fucking exist...Is that seriously so much to ask?"
"She shouldn't be existing Alex not you...People like her steal fucking air from others" she kissed the top of Alex's head gently "I love you baby...pleaseeee don't cry...Come on...fuck the bitch she's not worth your breath Alex...She's not worth to wash your fucking dirty knickers baby"
Alex chuckled through her tears of her mum's colorful representation of things.
"Come on...go get yourself freshen up...and let's get this party going...Today is your day baby...don't let that peace of shit spoil it...Don’t give her that satisfaction" she wrapped her fingers around her neck "I love you" she leaned over placing a long kiss to Alex's forehead as she locked her eyes with Yaz again. Yaz nodded slightly to her. "Come baby...let me see that?" she lifted her sleeve.
"It's fine...it will go in few days."
Yaz kissed the side of her head and got up pulling her hands "C'mere darling...let's get your makeup fixed ha?"
"Alright" she sniffled and got up. Yaz wrapped her arm around her waist, and they headed towards the house.
"I need to pop out for a minute" Charlie said.
"Where are you going?" Alex turned around.
"Just something I forgot for tonight don't worry...go."
"Alright...love you."
"I love you too honey."
Yaz looked at Charlie and she nodded to her to get Alex into the house.
....
Charlie got out of her car and stormed to the door of the small house not far away from where she lived. She rang the doorbell and huffed. Few moments later the blonde women Charlie's age opened the door, and her eyes grew wide seeing Charlie. She wanted to close it in her face, but Charlie put her hand on the door.
"Listen to me you fucking peace of shit...you come near my daughter one more time...or even look at her across the street I swear to fucking ground I'm walking on I'm gonna make your life a living hell"
"Get off...I'm gonna call the police" she tried closing the door, but Charlie pushed it open so hard it slammed into the wall.
"Go on...call...You think I'm worried about going down? You're gonna fucking go right down with me...You get that? You stay the fuck away from my family Molly" she pointed her finger at her shouting "You don't want me opening my mouth in front Robert...believe me you don't...Stay the fuck away form Alex."
"Are you threatening me Charlie?"
"No honey I'm warning you and take it seriously...I had enough of all of you and your shit...You don't wanna deal with me trust me...There's way too much shit on your head as it is and I can have a very big gob...remember that" she turned around and walked back to her car sitting inside and slamming the door.
She drove around for a while to calm down before going back home.
….
"It's going to be fine really" Alex smiled as Yaz was putting a cold wet towel on her arm.
She moved the towel and kissed her bruises gently. Her heart was torn in two. She felt utterly helpless, apart from keep repeating to Alex how much she loved her, she didn't know how else to help her and it was eating her up inside. But she wanted for her to have a beautiful evening and shine her bright light. So, she fixed her make-up and her hair and kissed her blushing cheeks and stroked her beautiful hair.
"See looking pretty" she leaned her head on her shoulder looking at her in the mirror "Let's get the tables out" she kissed her shoulder and reached for hand to leave the bathroom, but Alex tugged on it and pulled her back.
"What?" She smiled at her gently gazing at her with blotchy beautiful hazel eyes still filled with sadness.
Alex brought her hand to her face and brushed her thumb over her cheek ever so gently "You're the best thing that ever happened to me" she smiled a little.
"And you are too me" she held her wrist "It's killing me to see you in this pain Alex...I'm lost in what to do."
"You don't need to do anything...just be here...That's all I need...ok? "
"Ok baby" she stroke her face and kissed her lips gently
"Come on" Alex smiled "Let's get the party started.”
"You do realize we had your fathers shit last time also before the party" Yaz said going down the stairs "Charlie is right this place is like a fucking Silent Hill"
"No, it's not" she giggled "Though some people are straight from Steven King I won’t argue that.”
Charlie entered the house and dropped her car keys on the side just as they came downstairs.
"Hey look.... fixed her make-up" Yaz said haply.
Charlie looked up smiling "As good as new...C'mere baby" she opened her arms and Alex fell into them "You're the best thing in my life."
"What about the others?" Alex chuckled.
"You're my special baby.... I’m allowed to have my favorites. Just don't tell the others" she tapped her bum and pulled apart making Alex laugh.
"My lips are sealed" she giggled and kissed her cheek.
....
Yaz came to the kitchen leaving Alex outside to arrange all the plates and cutlery. She found Charlie removing foil from the trays of food.
"They will all be here in a minute...it looks beautiful" Charlie said.
Yaz walked up to her and moved a foil from one of the trays "You went over there, didn't you?" Yaz glanced at her sideways
"Don't tell her.”
"I won't..."
"I had enough...my cup was filled a long time ago. I'm just respecting her wish to keep my mouth shut" she pushed the tray over the counter "But I can't keep it shut anymore."
"I get that" Yaz said "...I'm in this for only two months and I feel like I'm boiling over...I just wanna snap someone's neck in half"
Charlie signed deeply "I'm sick of seeing her crying...I'm sick of seeing her harming herself...I'm fucking sick of narrow-minded fuckers who think they can say and do things to her just because she's breathing" she took a deep breath "And I'm scared...I'm scared one day someone will do something to her."
"I know...I feel the same...my fucking heart stopped I thought someone did this to her.... Well technically they have.”
"I'm so sick of this place I can't tell you...I don't understand what the fuck does she even love about this place”?
"It's the only place she ever felt safe when her father left...You and her siblings…its where she was loved for who she is…That's why...”
Charlie signed and reached for Yaz's hand that was on a counter "I'm so grateful she has you...I really am."
"I'm grateful to have her...I have my own shit in my head, and she's makes me feel alive...she's my light."
Charlie signed "God we're all so fucked up...I swear it take one to know one...C'mere" she opened her arms and Yaz hugged her tight
"We're gonna be fine...we just need to stick together" Yaz rubbed her hand over her back.
"Family hug" Alex ran into the kitchen and threw herself over them two making them laugh then leaned over the counter picking an olive from one the trays "Mmmmm....nice."
"Come on you silly goof...let's get the food out" Yaz tapped her bum and kissed her shoulder.
....
Alex was lining up the trays on the table and making sure there's one on every part so everyone could reach for the food.
"This one is out of line" a voice said behind her.
"Ollie!" She jumped and turned around throwing herself at him.
"Woooow look at you" he smiled wrapping his arms around her waist "Soo...hen night ha?"
"Neah...no hen night...just family night"
"Not what I heard...You look beautiful."
She scrunched her face "Missed you soon much."
"I miss you too...oh wait" he scrambled into his pocket and pulled a box out.
"What's that?" She looked up smiling.
"Just something little...You know I'm useless with all that girl stuff."
She opened the box and her chin wobbled at a beautiful pair of diamond butterfly earrings "OMFG"
"Though they might go well with the wedding dress...And you know...Caterpillar to a butterfly kinda had a meaning and..."
"Fuck Ollie" she gulped and looked up to him as tears started rolling down her face.
"Don't fucking cry now or I'll be blamed for your make-up not looking right on photos ten years from now.”
"C'mere " she pulled him in hugging him tight "I love you so fucking much."
"I love you too..."
"Put them in for me.”
"What now?...They're for the wedding"
"Fuck that...I'm wearing them now" she moved her hair out of her way.
He laughed as he was putting them in her ears.
Yaz was in the kitchen with Charlie when someone poked her waist, making her jump.
"Jamie! " she laughed as she turned around.
"Hey, my favorite Sheffield girl" he opened his arms.
"Heeey so nice to see you again " she laughed.
"I knew she's gonna snatch you before you have time to run."
"I wasn't gonna run" she laughed.
"Then you're crazier than I thought… "
"You have no idea" she chuckled.
“Have you seen our family?”
“Yeah…its lovely…Wait until you see mine” she laughed.
"Where is she?"
"In the garden"
Ollie was just finishing with earrings when she saw Jamie over his shoulder and started squirming. "Jamie!" she shouted.
"Wait for fuck sake I'm gonna rip your ear out" Ollie laughed "Go on...go"
She ran over and jumped on her brother wrapping her legs around him.
"Hey, you crazy fucker" he laughed putting her down.
"Look what Ollie got me" she moved her hair from her ears.
"They're beautiful...I've got something for you but it's still in the car. Why do you have a baby seat in the back of your car?"
"Oh...for Prem... Yaz’s sisters’ baby"
"Make yourself a kid Alex...you keep stealing other people's once all the time" Jamie laughed.
"Working on it" she giggled.
“Work harder” he giggled.
....
It was late and Yaz was slowly flagging.
Alex sat in her lap having a heated discussion with her brothers over the state of the NHS and Yaz was falling asleep leaning on arm.
"Noooo I do not agree with that Eddie" Alex said "You can’t compare things from 40 years ago and now. The UK population in 1980 was 56 million and now it's 68...And how many new hospitals do you know that have been built in the meantime."
"Alright...enough of politics" Charlie said sitting at the table and lighting up a cigarette.
"Since when did you start smoking again?" Jamie turned to her surprised.
"Since today" she said throwing lighter on the table and leaning into the chair making herself comfortable.
"Muuuum for fuck sake"
"Mind your own business" she smiled "At my age I'm allowed to do what ever the fuck I want.”
"Point taken" he turned back to the others.
Yaz just laughed into Alex's back "It was like all the filters have dropped and she saw the other side of Alex's family as Charlie was obviously bursting at seams from stress.
"Granny...can I have more cake?" Jessica came over tugging her sleeve.
"Sure love"
"Don't get up mum" Alex said, "I'll do it" she leaned over the table popping one piece of the chocolate sponge on a plate for her "Here you go poppet.”
"Thanks...can Ruby have it?"
"No baby...she can have this other one...Want me to give you a peace for her?"
"Yes please"
"Alright bumblebee"
Yaz rubbed her face into Alex's back when she sat back down "Am I too heavy Yazee?...I'll get up"
"Nooo no... I’m just tired."
"Why don't you go and lie down...It's alright."
"Neah...even kids are still awake I feel like an idiot" she giggled.
"Our kids are used to this" Alex laughed.
"I'll stay" she kissed her shoulder and tightened her arms around her. As tired as she was, she found more comfort in dozing off leaning on her arm rather than in an empty bed.
"She just wants to cuddle you Alex" Annie laughed and Yaz nodded with a happy grin "See told ya"
"So do you two have some vows?" Annie asked
"Mmm...just short" Alex said "Don't wanna bord people to death."
"She just wants to say YES as soon as possible and get it over and done with" Eddie said.
"Before Yaz sees all our dirty laundry" Annie added.
"I think she's seen quite a lot by now" Alex chuckled.
"And she's still here...You're safe sis" Jamie said.
"Oh, buuuut she hasn't seen any of my families for now" Yaz grinned "When they switch language you know shit hit the fan."
Everyone laughed.
"Well, at least they get to keep their privacy" Alex said.
"Believe me the tone says everything.... you don't need google translate...it becomes self-explanatory."
"Like when mum looks at you" Jamie said "No words needed"
"Ollie has a diploma in those" Alex laughed.
"Remember when we climbed the roses to get to your room Alex?" Annie said.
"What?" Yaz laughed "Tell me...she never tells me anything" she bumped Alex's shoulder.
"Mum had a rule we all needed to come back till three latest...But Alex and I came back at five, so we climbed the roses to her room. But mum stood in the middle of her room like a fucking ghost in a dark. Alex almost fell she screamed so much she woke up half of the street."
"OMG"
"She threw a slipper at me" Alex laughed like crazy.
"You bet I have" Charlie said " ...scared the fucking shit out of me you two...I thought something happened to you...Them two in combination were almost the death of me."
Alex and Annie just laughed.
"See I thought Alex was all nerdy and not going out that much.” Yaz said.
Annie spat her drinks and pissed herself laughing "Aleeeex...what the fuck have you been telling this girl?"
"Nothing" Yaz laughed.
"Oi...I did more studying than all of you lot put together" Alex said smug.
"Yeah, when you weren't partying."
"You partied? ....You? "
"In her own uncool way..." Ollie laughed "But she has"
"Uuuu look it's getting late" Alex laughed "I think we should go to bed."
"No shit" Yaz laughed "I'm awake now."
"The girl popped right up Alex...come on spill the beans before you put that ring on her finger" Eddie laughed.
"That's it I'm gagging you all."
Everyone was slowly ready to leave and helping to clean up the tables and dishes. Yaz waa in the garden throwing the paper plates into the bin liner and Alex's brothers were taking chairs into the garage.
"Had a nice time" Alex smiled coming up behind her trailing her hand over her waist.
"I had a great time" she turned around haply "They made me laugh so much...You?"
"I loved it...We already got some presents can you believe it"
"Noo way come on."
"Yeah, from Jamie and his wife and Annie got us something."
"Waaaaaw that's so fucking sweet."
Yaz yawned. She was struggling to stay awake and rubbed her face into her chest.
"You're dead" Alex wrapped her fingers around the back of her head "Go to bed...I'll finish this and come up."
"Sorry" she looked up bearley keeping her eyes open.
"Don't be silly...you've done enough.... go...I won't be long.”
"Mmmm..." Yaz brushed her nose over hers playfully and kissed her slowly.
"Get a room" Ollie laughed passing next to them.
They both started laughing "See you" Yaz smiled.
"See you sweet pea" Alex smiled.
"Night Ollie!" Yaz waived.
"Night sweets" he waived from the garage.
"We need to fold up the table" Alex said.
"Leave it Alex...We will do it...go take those to kitchen and go to bed.”
"Sure?"
"Yeeees....go" he kissed her forehead.
"Mmmmm" she hummed sleepy "Love ya"
She always found it fascinatingly beautiful how her brothers changed the way they interacted with her when they started accepting her as a woman. The little kisses, hugs and cuddles and the way they switch from having a brother to a little sister always melted her heart into million pieces.
"Love you too.”
"Nightie night" Alex smiled and walked towards the house.
"Night"
She walked out into the driveway and shoved the rubbish in a bin then looked up to the night sky filled with stars and smiled haply. In spite of all the pain thrown at her she felt her soul filled with so much love...
.....
Alex came out of the bathroom and saw the light was still on downstairs. Her mum was still in the kitchen finishing up.
"Hey...why didn't you leave it for the morning like I told you?" Alex wrapped her arms around her mum's waist and kissed her cheek "I get up at seven anyway...it's five mum."
"I know...but you didn't come here to clean."
"You're hopeless you know that" she chuckled "Aaaaawwww I miss this smell."
"Dawn?"
"Mmmmm....the wet grass...and the garden and your roses in the morning...I can't wait to have a garden...Hey I thought to rent a bouncy castle for kids...small one...I thought it might fit...there's not a lot of us and kids would be so happy."
"I think it's a great idea Alex, but will it fit? …. Honey in the end of a day its your wedding"
"I knoooow...but kids...come oooon...it will be fun."
Charlie laughed and shook her head "Alright...well call and ask..."
"I will, yes," she said looking through the window.
Charlie leaned on the chest of drawers watching her daughter as the first rays of morning light bathed her soft face. She watched her as her fingers played with a dainty bracelet around her wrist and as her blonde locks fell just slightly over her shoulders as she leaned over the counter.
For a mother to see her own child changing right in front of her eyes wasn't easy at times nor was it to see her hate herself so much. She adored her son with all her heart and had to say her own goodbye to him in order to welcome a daughter into her life. It was a journey filled with fear, anxiety and even sorrow but also with anticipation of the unknown. She kept most of her feelings far from Alex's eyes throughout. Finding her own way to cope and finding herself lost on the way so many times.
But in the end also find it remarkable in so many different ways. Like picking up a bran new book which still smelled of printing press diving between the crisp white pages excited to find out what the knew chapter will bring. Seeing Alex slowly revealing parts of herself like shedding thin layers of a veil behind which she was hiding herself from the world gave her more joy than she could've ever imagined. She learned how to open her soul and embrace those layers allowing them to settle inside her heart.
She took a step and leaned over the counter next to her then palmed her hand resting on the tiles. Alex closed her fist lacing their fingers together gently and glanced at her with a gentle smile before returning her focus back to the garden watching the sun rising behind the trees.
.....
She was woken up by the sound of a lawn mower, but the room was dark with blinds pulled over the small window. The smell of freshly cut grass was slowly climbing the stairs and seeping underneath the door. She wiggled over the bed and picked up the duvet from the floor throwing it over them and buried her face in Yaz's neck slipping her arm around her waist and her leg over her sides.
"Mmmm..." Yaz mumbled sleepy and kissed Alex's forehead lazily rubbing her face over it "I'm cold."
"Me too..." Alex mumbled back and pulling her closer "Duvet dropped" she yawned huddling to her.
"Do we need to get up?"
She just nodded lazily tucking her face into her.
"Goood" Yaz replied falling asleep again.
Alex lingered for a while not falling asleep but not fully awake either just warming herself up against Yaz enjoying in sleepy cuddle lazy tracing her hand over her lower back nuzzling her face into her neck. She was dragging this moment knowing Yaz would have to get up for work. But her eyes were heavy from staying awake till down, so she didn't last long before falling asleep again.
...