Chapter 19
The smell of freshly cooked breakfast rose up the stars all the way to the room. It was barely eight in the morning and as usual Alex's internal clock wouldn't let her sleep. She quickly combed her hair and pulled up her jeans then ran downstairs.
"Morning" she chirped haply
"Morning baby...sleep well?"
"Best" she kissed her mothers cheek and inhaled the smell of fried eggs and bacon "Arrrrh...five star service mum...this is ace" she grabbed her plate quickly and nipped to the fridge to get some juice
"Yaz still sleeping?"
"Like a log" she chuckled
"Let her...you got time. She loved the horses"
"Oh she did...Bu the was so scared at first bless her"
"How's Connor? Haven't seen him in ages...I should really go down there one day"
"He's fine...just his usual leg pain. Though I think it's getting worse with age. But farm looks so pretty since he added the new stables...I should go and visit again before I leave"
"And so you should...here you go...give the plate"
She stood by her mother hopping on one spot like a kid whiles waiting for her plate to be filled. "Perfect..." she smiled and walked up to the table
"Eat slowly Alex or you'll get stomach pain"
"Yes mummy"
"Don't you mummy me" she giggled "Did you decide what to do with your hair honey?"
"Yes...Yazee said I should keep it wavy and have some flowers in my hair...I think it can look really pretty"
"It would...it suits you like that...you know I'm not fond of you ironing it"
"I know...but I like it that way...You have to give me shopping list"
"I will...Oh also whilst you're there you should pop into florist...at least to say hello"
"Sure mum...no problem" she scoffed through her plate and leaned in a chair stroking her stomach "That was so brilliant"
Her mum just laughed shaking her head "Some stuff never changes"
"Nope" she giggled "Still me" she took a juice from the table "So what else is going on...tell me...how is Annie coping?"
"She's coping....she finding this more emotionally hard than anything else...Can you pass me the eggs from the fridge hun?"
"Sure...It's just shitty situation...And I think she can't shake off granny"
"I think that's it yeah...she keeps comparing it and times changed"
"How many?" she asked opening the packet
"All of them darling"
"Let me help....tell me what to do"
"Separate jokes for me on all of them...Open that cupboard there you'll see pink mixing bowls"
"These?"
"Yes...So yeah I think she's just freaking out thinking Ruby is gonna die"
"I feel so sorry for her...I just want her to be happy and she really seems happy with this fella"
"She is...I do like him a lot"
Alex threw egg shell on a plate "Not fair...right done...now what?"
"Take the blender and beat those whites for me"
"Where's the blender?"
"Where it's been for the past 35 years Alex"
She laughed and turned towards the chest of drawers behind her
"Mum..."
"Yes darling"
"Love ya" she poked her waist grinning making her jump
"Aaaa...Alex you fucking kid I almost dropped all the sugar in it"
She giggled going back to the eggs "But you didn't"
"Tell me about the house"
"Oh mum...the house is beautiful...so, so beautiful....You have to come when we buy it"
"Of course I'm coming...and your uncle said what ever you need he'll do it for you before Christmas"
"Really?" she jumped
"Yes....mix those eggs Alex I need them"
"I am mixing"
"No you're not" she grabbed the top of the mixer shoving it deeper in a bowl
"Anyway...you saw on the video but you can't see it properly the living room is so beautiful with the terrace door and there's window above the kitchen sink looking into the garden and and there's a small utility room in a kitchen for washing machine and dryer...Oh and the floor mum it's proper oak wooden flooring I just love it"
"And bedroom looked nice"
"It is...its a bit smaller than the one we have now but the baby room mum aaaaaaaa" she slumped down the kitchen top
"Mix the eggs Alex"
"I am fucking mixing...I think they are done"
"They are...Put this sugar and all this inside the jokes and mix them for me"
"Alright"
"Baby room...listening..."
"It's right next to bedroom and it's tiny and absolutely beautiful mum...and the other one is next to it so I was thinking one day we can actually put them together into one....and just...I dunno....convert garage into office"
"Actually that's not a stupid idea Alex"
"I just want a baby"
"Slow down Alex...you will...just take a deep breath"
"I'm just so excited mum...I'm 40...everyone has kids. In fact I'll be 41 soon...most people have kids at 28...I'm so behind on everything it's scary...I'll be 60 by the time my kid goes to university...I'll be dead by the time they have a kid"
"Aren't you positive" Charlie laughed
"It's a fact mum...I'm old"
"You're not old Alex...you're no spring chicken but you're not old"
"If I was a real woman my clock would be seriously ticking mum"
"Well Yaz is 29 and he's is perfectly fine...Besides she's the one who's gonna carry that baby....And aren't you glad I made you save your..."
"Yes!!!" she shouted "Pleaseeee don't say it"
"Alright" she laughed shaking her head
"I'm just so excited about everything now"
"I can see" she laughed and passed next to her kissing her cheek "It will come sooner than you think"
"I hope so"
"And you mixed the shit out of those eggs they are done"
"Oh" she looked down in a bowl and switched off the blender
"Anyway...I can't wait for you two to have a baby...I do miss babies...little Jamie is growing so fast"
"He is I know...you should see little Prem he is so fucking adorable. I love him to bits"
"Chubby chops"
"Yeaaaah" she smiled "And when I squish them between my fingers it's just aaaaaaa"
"Here give me that honey...it's ok Alex, I can take it from here. You should wake up Yaz it's getting late"
"Mmmm...I should" she rested her head on her shoulder wrapping her arms around her
"I miss this" she rested her arms on Alex's "...I miss this so fucking much Alex...house is so empty without you. I got so used to you being here"
"I know...don't...you're gonna make me cry"
"Go...go wake up your girl honey"
"Alright" she kissed her cheek and went upstairs
Charlie was standing by the kitchen window looking out. All she wanted was to hold her all the time, feel her child's presence, look into her beautiful hazel eyes, and hold her hands. But Alex was struggling, torn between two worlds, torn between love for her family and the life she had found for herself, and she didn't want to bring her more pain. It was the life Charlie wanted for her. The one that brought a smile to her daughter's face. The one who enabled her not only to dream but also to live her dreams. So she sighed deeply and took the bowl of eggs, wiping her face from the tears.
....
"Wakey wakey sleepy" Alex hovered above Yaz and kissed the tip of her nose and Yaz frowned turning on the other side "Grumpy...you need get up" she climbed the bed and lied behind her wrapping her arm around the puffy duvet she was wrapped into like a caterpillar
"Just little bit longer" she mumbled sleepy
"It's almost ten...we need to be there at eleven"
"I knoooow" she whined pulling duvet over her face
Alex laughed and leaned over her forcing to kiss her cheek moving duvet off her face "Come oooon" she bounced on the bed "Hairdressers...making ourselves beautiful"
"Alriiiiight...did you snort sugar this morning"
"In fact I have..." she giggled "I was helping mum with cakes"
"I can tell" she pulled the duvet back over her face
....
"Morning Charlie!" Yaz ran downstairs into the kitchen and straight to Charlie who just got the sponge out of the oven
"Morning honey"
"Mmmmm...that looks yummy" she peaked over her shoulder and kissed her cheek
"Sleep nice?"
"Mmmm like a baby until this one came in started using my hip as trampoline" she giggled
Charlie laughed "Have some breakfast before you go...it will probably take some time to get you both done you'll get hungry....just take whatever you like from the fridge… bread is over there...toast is in a cupboard up there and you got some other stuff like crumpets in a freezer"
"Blimey like you're running B&B Charlie"
"I do most times...they all come to eat here...I never know who's gonna walk through that door" she laughed
"Do they pay?" she laughed opening the fridge
"Noooo" she laughed
"That's bad...you need to put the sandwich stand in front with prices" she giggled
"My luck their cards would bounce" Charlie giggled and wiped her hands then picked up a small note from the chest of drawers "Here hun...this is shopping list...I was gonna go with you but I'm running late here and everyone is coming at six"
"Alright...when we come back we will help you out"
"I just need you put the tables outside like the last time. There's way too many of us for the kitchen. We do all fit but it's too much"
"No problem" Yaz sat at the table and started spreading butter and jam over her bread
"Where's Alex?"
"Talking to one of her brothers..." she frowned "Not sure which one...I keep forgetting the names"
"Jamie, Ollie and Eddie"
"Sorry "
"No worries I used to mixed them up when I was pissed off with them"
Yaz laughed "It will take me ages to remember all the names I'm so useless in that"
"We don't expect you to"
"Ready?" Alex said as she came down to the kitchen twirling car keys in her hand
"Yeah in a minute" she lifted her bread up and Alex grabbed her wrist taking a bite
"Mmm...mum's jam"
"Is it?" She frowned and looked at the jar then realized there's little handwritten sticker on it
"Mmmm...that tree in the bottom of the garden Yaz...it's apricot my granny planted"
"Waaaaawww...that's fucking amazing"
"Last year there were so many the branches were breaking" Charlie said, "This year the hail fucked it up a bit...but there's still gonna be enough"
"That's amazing...can we plant that?" Yaz asked getting up
"Suppose so...you wanna make home made jam Yaz?"
"Yeaaaah...I never did those things...You know I grew up in the apartment...this is soo cool...right ready to go" she said closing the dishwasher
"Have fun girls" Charlie said
"We will...see ya" Alex said grabbing her jacket from the hallway.
"Do I need the jacket baby?"
"Mmmm ...dunno it seems a bit nippy today...yeah take it" she grabbed hers as well and headed to the car
"Is it far?"
"No... it’s on a high street...and the florist is just a bit further down"
.....
Yaz liked the look of the small town. It was full of small shops and restaurants. The town didn't have many inhabitants, but it was quite a popular tourist destination, so the street was bustling on a Sunday morning. Most shops were closed on Sundays, but cafes and restaurants were open, and some small souvenir shops run by local artists. There was one that Yaz passed by last time and didn't have time to take a good look, but now she pulled Alex's hand and stood by the window. It was full of hand made wooden toys and decorations made out of polymer clay. Suddenly she squealed like a cat making Alex jump.
"What?"
"Looooook!....OMFG looook!!!"
"What am I looking at Yazee?"
"Thaaaat...over there loook..." she glued her face to the window "It's the 12th and Bill and the Tardis"
"Where Yazee...?" Alex gave her best looking amongst loads of ornaments but she couldn't see it
"Oh pleaseeee let it be open...pleaseeee"
"I don't think it is Yazee but I know..."
Yaz squealed rushing to the door not paying attention to what she was saying and practically fell inside the store hitting the door on the counter.
Alex just laughed following her
"Hi...hi...sorry about the door...I'm legit freaking out"
Young man behind the counter laughed "That's cool...it can take it...Can I help you?"
"Yes yes...that Tardis there...can I see it?"
"Billy" Alex smiled
"Alex!....Fucking Alex!!" he jumped over the counter and picked up Alex swinging her around
"We're gonna smash up the store" Alex laughed as he put her down
Yaz stood totally confused looking at them both.
"Yaz...this is Billy...my best mate"
"I'm your only mate" he laughed
"Fuck off" she smacked his shoulder with her fist "We grew up together Yazee...Billy this is Yaz...my fiancée"
"Fucking hell Alex...sorry Yaz...Nice to meet you...so nice to meet you" he shook her hand so exited she started laughing
"Hi. Nice to meet you too"
"I herd your getting married...you fucker kept it quiet"
"I'm sorry I was trying to keep it away from dad...Unsuccessfully though cause it looks like mum told the whole town"
"It's alright I forgive you...Hey I'm finishing wanna grab a drink?"
"Mmmm we have hair and make-up...Afterwards?"
"Sure...Tardis" he points fingers at Yaz "Sorry I got distracted"
"Sure don't worry about it" she laughs
He jumped over the counter again and pulled it out. Her eyes grew by the minute "Did you make it?"
"Yeah all of them...it's polymer clay hand painted"
"Waaaaaw..."
"Also….look" he turned it upside down and switched on the lights
"No waaaay" she jumped
"She's a freak for those...the apartment is full of them"
"My kinda girl...Who's your favorite?"
"Him" she said smiling "Do I dare to ask the price?"
"Do you want it?" Alex leaned over smiling
"Wait babe this isn't cheap"
"Mmmm...do ya?" she grinned
"Well" Billy said "You are marring my best girl...so I'll tell you what...it's my wedding present for you both"
"Noooo...oh nooo no no" Yaz said
"Billy no fucking way I'll pay you fair and square" Alex said
"Get out of here Alex...I'm not selling you my art are you for fucking real...Let me package it up for you...In fact you go get your hair done I'll package it all up and bring it"
"Are you for real?" Yaz looked at him in disbelief
"Biiiilly" Alex said "Pleaseeee let me pay for it"
"Nooo...Alex come on...seriously...no fucking way...Wedding gift"
"C'mere you" she pulled him by the shirt over the bar "Thank youuuu"
"Don't mention it"
"My god...he is serious...I don't know what to say man this is fucking best thing ever"
"You don't have to say anything just give us hug" he opened his arms and hugged her over the counter
"Come on Yaz were so late" Alex said "Sorry babe we really need to rush...but drink later."
"No worries go get yourself fixed and just come to the store...we'll see where to go"
"Deal" Alex waived
"See ya...thaaaaank youuuu" Yaz put her palms together walking outside "I can't fucking believe this" Yaz said still in disbelief as they walked down the street
"That was so nice of him... I can't believe he's done that"
"So you're friends?"
"He's actually Ollies mate originally...then I stole him" she laughed "He's really sweet...used to come around all the time then we got separated for a while. I went to medical school he went travelling and lived in US for over ten years...but we kept in touch"
"Waaaw"
"He's just sweetie...he does this for living...had few exhibitions as well...he sells all around the world you know and has an online store. He's doing really well. He started with clay when he was a kid....so talented...actually got my mum into pottery"
"Did he really?"
"Yeah...he organized some classes locally and my mum went on them...the rest is history"
"Waaaw...that's so cool...it's so nice the way you all know each other around here"
"Mmmm...yes and no Yazee..."
"Oh..."
"Yeah...some things are nice and some aren't...everyone knows everyone's business and I'm not now only talking about myself. When Annie got divorced everyone had an option about it...Sometimes you just don't want other people's opinions...you just wanna live....Aaa here we are..." she stopped in front the hairdressers salon
"Alex" the lady turned around as soon as they walked inside
"Hiya!" Alex smiled "Lily this is my Yaz"
"Hi, nice to meet you" Yaz shook her hand
"Nice to meet Yaz....I'll be right with you honey...just sit there and make yourselves comfy"
"Thanks" Alex smiled "Come baby" she turned to Yaz "Busy today...how come you're open on Sunday's?"
"I close on Monday's now...more work over the weekend"
"Aaaa clever"
"So how are you? Herd you have a nice apartment"
"Yeeees ...but we just found a house"
"Waaaw...That's fantastic Alex...Going to Africa this year?"
"Nooo...Next year maybe...I don't wanna go as soon as we get married...I was going to...but it can wait for a year"
Yaz's eyes widened as this is the first time she heard that Alex had postponed her trip. Her heart skipped the beat and she felt relief like no other. She wondered if Alex was going to even say anything or just glance over it. But either way hearing it made her stomach churn from happiness.
"Good...you need to enjoy yourself honey...can't just work...Ever since I've known you all you do is work"
An hour later Yaz's hair was all done up and she was getting ready for the make-up. Alex was already having her make-up done and she got up standing next to her smiling
"God you're gonna look so beautiful"
Alex fiddled with her fingers nervously and Yaz's heart sank how insecure she was. Specially when Lily took all her exiting makeup off.
"There" Lily smiled and stood back a bit " And when we put the flowers here it's gonna look beautiful" she moved her hair behind her ear "See...like it?"
"Mmmm...love it...It looks so pretty" Alex smiled looking up at her then her eyes changed focus to the mirror looking at the reflection of the two women behind her. She knew them too well and tried her hardest to ignore them, so she changed her focus to Yaz looking up at her with a smile "Yazee? What do you think?"
Yaz smiled and tucked her hair behind her ear "You're stunning...absolutely stunning baby" she leaned down and gave a surprise kiss to the top of her head leaving her with eyes open wide and blushing grinning haply
"She looks so beautiful...thank you Lily" Yaz said
"Awww...thank you Yaz I really appreciate it...Well honey you're next"
"Can I just use the toilet please?" Alex asked
"Sure honey...down there on a left"
Yaz sat in a chair. Lily was showing her all the eye shadows and they spoke about adding artificial eyelashes.
"We can play with some light silver...." Lily said
Alex got out of the cubicle and stood in front of the mirror. She could not recognize herself. The beautiful makeup brought out her eyes in a way she had yet to pull off herself, and her hair looked absolutely gorgeous. The woman came out of the second cubical and stood next to the sink. Their eyes locked in the reflection for a split second and Alex looked away quickly washing her hands and hurrying out. She grabbed her bag from the marble top turning around
"You have no business coming in here" the woman said
Alex sighed deeply and looked up as she was clenching the door handle
"This is women's space you know...You're making people uncomfortable...We all know what you are Alex...all of this doesn't change it"
Alex swallowed deeply and opened the door leaving without a word. When she stepped out into the hallway, she saw another door and walked through it without thinking. It was a small utility room filled with brooms, buckets, and a small sink. She clutched the rim of it until her knuckles turned white, trying not to cry with every breath as the beautiful makeup would run down her face. She swallowed the marbles, feeling her stomach turn as she struggled to breathe and felt shame creeping up on her together with her old feelings filling her inside as if suddenly released from the prison in which they had been kept. Alex closed her eyes and thought of Yaz trying to remember every kind word she had ever said to her. Trying with every cell in her body to fight the monster inside her from taking her over. She arched her neck biting her lips and clutched at her upper arm digging her nails into her own flesh until the pain was unbearable
"So would you like some sparkle?" Lily asked
"Uuu...I'm not a sparkle kinda girl" Yaz giggled
"But it’s our wedding" Alex came up smiling reaching for her hand lacing her fingers with hers glancing for a short moment at the mirror towards the woman from the toilet who was now sitting in chair right next to them having her hair done.
"Hey...where have you been? I got worried"
She looked back down at Yaz with a smile "Just admiring the makeup"
"So what do you think?....Sparkle?"
"Come oooon...at least a little...Look that's so pretty" she pointed to the silver eyeshadow
"She's right Yaz...it will look so beautiful on your brown eyes"
"Oh go on then" she smiled
....
"OMG...look at us two" Yaz giggled as they came out tugging on Alex's hand "You look fucking amazing"
"You look absolutely beautiful Yazee" she smiled "I can't recognize myself...I do wish I can do this myself"
"I can't do this...no fucking way"
Alex opened the shop door with a smile
"Wowowowow..." Billy look up from behind the counter "Fucking hell...that's hot"
Alex laughed "Stooop...it feels weird you saying it to me"
"Excuse me...I always wanted to date you"
"Excuse me Whaaaa?" Yaz lifted her eyebrow looking at Alex
"Nothing" Alex said, "Forget you ever herd that"
"She was a hot guy" Billy said
"Billy!!!" Alex jumped "shut up" she giggled
"No no....I have to hear this" Yaz pointed a finger at her
"What have you started?" Alex slumped on a counter laughing "I'm gonna dig myself a grave"
"Oh, she was an eye candy...You still are...but...uff"
"You wanted to date....him?" Yaz giggled
"Oh yeah...snogged him as well"
"Oh god....I swear I'll kill you" Alex screamed
"Aaaaaa....no fucking way...You didn't say that" she turned to Alex who was changing all the colours of the rainbow
"Didn't go down well...she wouldn't talk to me for a week...shame"
"When was that?"
"We were 18...19..can't fucking remember it was before my meltdown....And It was like kissing my brother..." Alex laughed
"Yeah that part always made me feel fantastic Alex....Anyway I was put into strict friends zone"
"Can we go now" Alex said still laughing
"Sure gorgeous" he grabbed the big bag from underneath the counter "Here love...it's all inside...if the lights go just give me a call...but led should last you for ages"
"You're a star...this is amazing I have no words" Yaz leaned over and kissed his cheek
"Don't mention it"
He ran around the counter and dropped his arm around Alex's shoulders "You're a good kisser"
"Fuck off" Alex nudged him with her hip laughing
"I need to know more...I'll pay you" Yaz said to Billy
Alex put her hand over his mouth "Don't you dare or I'll never speak to you again"
"So there's more?"
"Nooo!" Alex shouted shaking her head laughing
....
They had a lot of laughs with Billy. He was like a spark of light. Talking about all the places he traveled to. It was fascinating to Yaz because he had traveled all over Europe and lived in Japan for a year. Before leaving, they even exchanged phone numbers.
For Alex, it was a breath of fresh air after what happened at the hairdresser. He brought her back to the beautiful moments she cherished from her past. The ones she wanted to keep, the ones that kept her alive. The love and acceptance she received from those few people around her without whom she would never have survived.
"Darling...can I ask you something" Yaz said as they drove back
"Always" Alex turned to her with a smile
"Why didn't you invite Billy or Connor to your wedding?"
"Huh..." she sighed "Dunno Yaz....it's so hard for me to put this into words"
"I'm so sorry...you don't have to say it"
"No it's alright Yaz...I thought about it myself and a part of me feels guilty...But I still don't feel like I'm in a right state of mind to share it like that...Does that make any sense?"
"Yeah...it does" she stroke her cheek "I just wondered that's all"
"It's just something so intimate for me...I wanna keep it only mine"
"I understand that"
"You do?"
"I do...So what's with the kiss?" she giggled
"I was waiting for that"
"Pleaseeee tell me"
"You know me Yaz...I'm so dumb sometimes....I thought we were just mates. I was so happy to have at least one mate...But for him it was more than that"
"He was into you and you didn't get it?"
"Yeeees..." she laughed "He said he loves me and I still fucking thought he meant as a mate and said I loved him too...and then he just....snogged me"
"OMG Alex..."
"I knoooow I'm so fucking stupid sometimes...and I felt so bad for him...I broke his heart"
"Oh nooo...poor guy...So you didn't know he was into men?"
"Noooo...absolutely not Yaz...Maybe it was obvious and I was just dumb...I have no idea...but told you I was fucked up myself so I probably didn't come across clear either. Then it was so wired between us for a while until we made up...But he did leave shortly after that...We would text and we met after I transitioned...Way after when I was 28"
"Waaaw..."
"He got married in US...got divorced then came back"
"Did you ever think you're into men?"
"Nooo...that I never did...All that actually came way later when I realized that not only I wanted to be a woman but that I was also really drawn to women in that way...I never ever felt that way towards men. That was very clear always"
"I'd be fine if you have"
Alex shook her head laughing
"What?" She frowned "I would...so what..."
"I never met anyone like you"
"Told you...things don't faze me Alex...love is love...it's as simple as that."
"Love ya"
"Love you too"
.....
"Mum" Alex walked into the garden with a massive grin
"OMG! Alex..."
"I know right" she laughed
"Hi" Yaz smiled coming outside
"Waaaaawww..." she stood in front of them and covered her mouth with her hand "Oooooh my goodness...you two look so so beautiful....C'mere " she opened her arms
"We look really hot" Yaz said
"Oh yes" Charlie chuckled hugging them "Well food is done...so go get some rest I'm gonna need you two to get those tables out later"
"Sure mum...anything else?"
"No baby...go rest...I'm just reading a book here... its a nice day"
"Alright" Alex said "We've put all the stuff in a fridge and drinks are on a kitchen top
"Ok.."
Alex zoomed through the kitchen grabbing a packed of crisp’s and a juice "Come on...cuddle" she nodded towards the stairs
"Yes ma'am" Yaz giggled
....